In this Love-Oriented Month, Tips on ‘Mindful Communication’

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“One of the most common relationship problems is a lack of communication,” says psychotherapist Alison Bulman ’97. “Couples tend to trigger each other, or put the other person on the defensive, without even realizing that they’re doing it. And over time, it starts to chip away at the relationship.”

With love on our minds in the Valentine’s Day month of February, we asked the CALS alum for some expert advice on why communication matters—and how to improve it.

Based in the New York metro area, Bulman holds a master’s in social work from NYU and practices online therapy. She also hosts couples’ workshops and offers an online course designed to promote intimacy, among other work.

What constitutes “mindful communication”?

First, it’s slower, because typically people talk way too fast, especially when they’re in conflict.

The key is getting to a place of compassion toward your partner. And you do that by getting curious about what it’s like to be them, putting yourself in their shoes—in other words, empathy.

People have varying degrees of experience and skill around empathy, but it can absolutely be learned.

Alison Bulman

Mindfulness in general is about staying in the moment; how do you apply that to relationships?

The idea is to approach each other with acceptance and talk about what it’s like between us right now. In our society, we talk way too much about things—work, the weather, surface stuff. We talk very little about our feelings.

If we talk about what’s happening between us right now, we’re going to feel much closer to the other person, much more intimate.

You’ve said, “You don’t have to talk about your problems to solve them.” How is that possible?

Something counterintuitive happens when you stay in the present: by talking about the relationship you’re having in the moment, in this conversation, problems start to get worked out. Issues and tendencies rise to the surface organically. The most fruitful part of being mindful is a big reveal about what’s really going on between two people.

The most fruitful part of being mindful is a big reveal about what’s really going on between two people.

So how do you start communicating mindfully?

One thing I teach is the “magic” questions: three questions that can help you rediscover your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together or how off track things have gotten.

They are “What’s that like?,” “Can you tell me more?,” and “How does that feel?” Bonus ones are “What’s it like hearing me share that?” and “What’s it like sharing that with me?”

Just take “What’s that like?”; it’s a single question that can open doors and create more interest in each other.

Why are these questions so effective?

They’re not yes or no; they’re open ended. They show much more curiosity than we typically show, and they can make people open up in a more vulnerable way.

Every couple I’ve worked with, when they ask these questions they eventually get to the point where they’re discovering new things about their partner. It can rekindle a love that has fallen flat, or is even dying.

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It sounds like these techniques could also show that, actually, you need to break up. Is that right?

This is not a process just to get happy, it’s a process to get real—to share all feelings, whether it’s loneliness, disappointment, sadness, or joy. And sometimes the reality is, you want to break up. When you’re being rigorously honest, it can get messy, hard, and sad. But the truth, as they say, will set you free.

This is not a process just to get happy, it’s a process to get real—to share all feelings, whether it’s loneliness, disappointment, sadness, or joy.

We’ve talked about some “dos” for mindful communication; what are some “don’ts”?

A lot of times, people talk too much about the past; they go down a rabbit hole about wrongs done to each other.

They say things like, “You always do this; every time we have to go somewhere, you’re running late.” First of all, it’s probably not true, because we don’t do things every single time. And it can make our partner feel overwhelmed. Instead say, “When you do this, I feel …”

What else should we avoid?

Never label your partner with a negative. “That’s childish." "Don’t be so immature." "Why are you so sensitive?” Never name call: “You’re a jerk.” These are judgments—things that make our partner not feel safe being real and honest with us.

The most toxic things are blaming and shaming—pointing the finger or digging in the dagger because you want your partner to feel bad. It’s a dynamic that, over time, can make your partner shut down and withdraw.

You need to be gentle instead of harsh, and avoid putting them on the defensive—not judging or criticizing, and being open to hearing your partner’s experience without trying to persuade them to feel differently. If you commit to no negativity in your relationship—for an hour, for a day—it’s amazing what you can find out hurts your partner, and stop doing it.

The most toxic things are blaming and shaming—pointing the finger or digging in the dagger because you want your partner to feel bad.

That sounds like it could be a tall order for some couples. What tips can you give?

One of the primary things is called “HALT.” It’s a recovery concept in substance use that stands for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired.”

If you or your partner are any of those things, it’s more likely you’ll go from zero to 100, where you start talking faster and louder and confronting each other. So I recommend that people not have emotionally loaded conversations after 8 p.m., because we tend to be crankier and much more sensitive and reactive.

What about the adage, “never go to bed angry”?

I tend to disagree with that. If you’re able to say, “This is a loaded topic; let’s sleep on it and we’ll talk about it tomorrow,” the quality of communication is much better. And half the time you wake up the next day and wonder what you were even arguing about.

Do you think that the pace of modern life—especially social media—has made mindful communication harder?

Yes. The cell phone is an ingenious tool for accessing dopamine. The news feeds, the ads—they literally lead to a release of pleasure chemicals in our system. My concern is people are turning more and more to that dopamine release than they are to the relationship.

Many couples that I work with struggle with being on their devices and not connecting. And what I suggest is, when you’re together, default to not using your phone. Anytime you’re in each other’s presence, put the device down.

What else would you like to add?

Unfortunately, because of the stigma and fear about going to therapy, couples wait far too long to seek help. Statistically, the average couple waits about six years of having problems before they actually get counseling.

I want to encourage people to get help sooner than later—because a little bit of support in marriage counseling can go a long way toward turning things around.

Top: Illustration by Seung Yeon Kim / Cornell University. Photo provided.

Published February 15, 2024

Comments

  1. John Cecilia
    20 Feb, 2024

    All very true.

    Alison, on-line is so very difficult, especially building relationships with couples that may be at different levels of self-consciousness; the norm, in my experience. We men can be particularly difficult when it comes to opening up and revealing how we really feel.

    (My MSW is from Loyola – Chicago, where I practiced for over a decade before retiring.)

    Reply

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