Chime In How Reclaiming a Part of Myself Made Way for My Dreams Stories You May Like Trivia with Corey! Test Your Knowledge of Cornell at the Oscars Grad Alum Is a Yard Games Maven (and Cornhole King) Barbara Page, MFA ’75, Celebrates Her Love of Reading with Miniature Works of Art As I write in my recent psychology book, women are too often held back by sexist stereotypes demanding they refrain from being bold “Chime In” comprises brief first-person essays by Cornellians. Do you have a topic in mind? Email us at cornellians@cornell.edu! By Janet Rivkin Zuckerman ’75 As a young child, I relished stepping into the spotlight with a fierceness that belied my size, age, and gender. Gender, because we girls are taught in myriad subliminal ways to be nice and passive, and to play well with others—or else. It is ordained in the patriarchal playbook. But there’s an odd twist to this nasty trope. Before patriarchy casts its toxic spell, little girls typically display an uncanny comfort with self-assertion, competition, and constructive forms of aggression. That joyful sense of possibility typically comes to a screeching halt as adolescence and patriarchy arrive, and mute the girl in front with the loud, authentic voice. I know this trajectory from the inside out. As a kid, I landed leading roles in plays, assumed the presidency of my class, and voiced strong opinions with little anxiety about the consequences. Wistfully, I recall the exhilaration of living that way. But then the ground beneath me shifted. Adolescence brought bodily changes apparent to not only me, but also the outside world. Self-consciousness ballooned, as I couldn’t help recognizing that I was being noticed for aspects of my appearance that triggered new attention—particularly male—and a seductive sense of power. But poignantly, I also sensed that all this head-turning in truth had nothing to do with the real me. The author during her time on the Hill. It was an objectified version, a one-dimensional stereotype of the girl I once knew. This dynamic persisted, and I allowed myself to be lulled away from my self-development and celebration of self-assertion and aggression. This is a most unfortunate and predictable developmental arc, as I describe in my recently published book, “Nasty Women”—Reclaiming the Power of Female Aggression: A Psychoanalytic Perspective. Women cast aside their once-enjoyed aggressiveness as the culture demands—and in doing so, lose hold of the tools required to leave a meaningful impact on the world. Such is the goal of patriarchy, as it slyly and repeatedly anchors existing gender inequities. A host of dos and don’ts now applied. I felt pressure to dress a certain way, and speak in a voice that neither challenged too much nor was too insistent. Being “big” had become a dangerous endeavor. Fearful of disobeying these entrenched social mandates, I tucked away much of myself, and lost hold of the voice within me that knew how to make things happen. As my self-confidence and spontaneity withered, I began to shy away from the belief that I could actualize my dreams. Fearful of disobeying entrenched social mandates, I tucked away much of myself, and lost hold of the voice within me that knew how to make things happen. I was an 18-year-old with a long-held dream of attending that university on the Hill in Upstate New York, the one I’d always heard had a dramatically gorgeous campus. As a passionate nature lover, it sounded like Eden to me. But as it was part of the esteemed Ivy League, I couldn’t be sure of my acceptance. Though my high school grades were excellent, I worried that being rejected from Cornell would be intolerable. And so I convinced myself it was well beyond my reach. I applied instead to a much smaller, well-respected liberal arts college in the Midwest and was accepted early decision, side-stepping the public shame I anticipated if I were rejected by the college of my choice. Stories You May Like Trivia with Corey! Test Your Knowledge of Cornell at the Oscars Grad Alum Is a Yard Games Maven (and Cornhole King) Despite finding academic success, satisfaction, and even beauty at the school I initially chose, I felt instinctively that there was more to the college experience—more spirit, more pride, more thrill—and I didn’t want to miss out. Visions of Cornell still lived actively in my mind. And by now, my conviction that I wasn’t good enough to try for it had miraculously softened, as swells of my earlier self rumbled to life. I’m not sure why; maybe because I got excellent grades as a freshman and knew it would likely be easier to apply as a transfer student. As such, I took the leap and, to my delight, was accepted at Cornell and went on to experience some of the most joy-filled, unforgettable days and years of my life. Not the least was discovering a major, psychology, that still speaks deeply to me; a partner, Joseph Zuckerman ’74, who became my husband 10 years after our college friendship; and even a son, Scott Zuckerman ’08, who graduated from CALS. Engaging with risk and self-assertion, rather than shunning them, carried me forth to a long-held dream. I pinched myself every day I was there. Looking back, I can see I was lucky. For a diffuse set of reasons, I was able to transcend the comfort and familiarity of my safer, earlier college and find the courage and confidence to take on uncertainty in the name of my future growth and happiness. The Zuckermans snap a selfie on the Suspension Bridge. Continuing to shrink from my dreams was no longer acceptable, as I activated a former part of myself that was bold and spirited. That said, I know that challenging patriarchal mandates remains a lifelong process, not only for me but for most women. These days, with decades of study and practice in my beloved profession of psychology, I bask in the rewards of encouraging other women to hold tight to their dreams—and dare to reach for them. Janet Rivkin Zuckerman ’75, a Human Ecology alum and former attorney, is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Rye, NY. A former director of the Westchester Center for the Study of Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy, she’s a clinical consultant at the NYU Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis. (All images provided.) Published March 11, 2025 Comments Thomas P GregoryJr, Class of 1985 16 Mar, 2025 Not all post graduation stories on the surface present such a positive story. For some graduates the road temporarily turns downward. But as former Cornell President Rhodes once said to me, “We find in Cornellians that the Cream always seems to eventually rise to the top”. The question raised in my reply is simple. How does Cornell University deal with those who upon graduating find at first a crisis, usually self brought, from which, using lessons taught at Cornell and life itself to regain at least a portion of the self worth they anticipated upon first attending Cornell Reply Carolyn McMaster, Class of 1971 16 Mar, 2025 The point that Janet makes is certainly true. But I would add that it’s not just patriarchy. Many women are just as put off by strong women as men are. Strong women are punished by so many of the forces around us. But there are lots of strong men and women who accept and cherish other strong women. It’s worth the battle to find those people. It’s never easy. It doesn’t get easier as you get older. Don’t give up. Reply Janet, Class of 1975 19 Mar, 2025 Carolyn, Totally agree about other women often being put off by strong women. And yes, the battle is unrelenting, but the more that women occupy positions of power, the more unremarkable (in a good way) it will seem. Reply Leave a Comment Cancel replyOnce your comment is approved, your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment * Name * Class Year Email * Save my name, email, and class year in this browser for the next time I comment. Δ Other stories You may like Chime In At a Personal Crossroads, a Visit to Ithaca Focused My Mind Cornelliana Vintage Scrapbooks Offer Fascinating Windows into Student Life Campus & Beyond Commencement 2024 in Photos