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Why Our Attempts to Avoid Emotional Discomfort Often Backfire

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As a clinical psychologist, I've learned that moments of anxiety can be golden opportunities to learn to tolerate distress

By Alissa Worly Jerud ’08

When I decided as an undergraduate that I wanted to become a clinical psychologist, I was unaware of just how transformative my future career would be—not only for those with whom I would one day work, but also for myself.

Although my collegiate years were highly successful by most conventional standards, they were largely governed by my desire to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and therefore weren’t as meaningful or fulfilling as my CV might suggest.

And unfortunately, my work over the past decade—as a clinical psychologist specializing in evidence-based treatments for anxiety-related disorders and emotion regulation difficulties—has led me to conclude that this is likely the case for many of us.

After all, as humans, we are evolutionarily wired to want to avoid pain—whether physical or emotional—and thus it’s unsurprising that this pull to steer clear of or extinguish painful feelings might control us more than we realize.

It’s unsurprising that this pull to steer clear of or extinguish painful feelings might control us more than we realize.

Yet, as a vast body of research suggests, our attempts to avoid emotional distress often backfire, maintaining and exacerbating the emotions we are seeking to suppress while simultaneously hampering our ability to move through the world in a way that’s effective and consistent with our values.

Looking back, I can see the hold that anxiety, in particular, used to have over me.

The anxiety I felt about my grades and my appearance led me to spend endless hours aiming for perfection in both areas, cutting into time that could have been spent meeting more basic but absolutely essential needs, such as getting adequate rest and exercise.

Meanwhile, my social anxiety often led me to withdraw from others, especially large groups and parties, thus resulting in my missing out on many of the opportunities Cornell offers its students to connect and forge deep, meaningful bonds.

Alissa Jerud (left) and another graduate at Commencement, wearing caps and gowns — Jerud (left) with a friend at Commencement.

Regrettably, the more I leaned on perfectionistic rituals and avoidance behaviors to manage my own discomfort, the more my world shrank before my unseeing eyes.

Thankfully, my training and work as a clinical psychologist has, over the years, shifted how I perceive and respond to anxiety, as well as other “unwanted” emotions.

Instead of dreading or trying to avoid moments of emotional pain, I now see these as valuable opportunities to strengthen my muscles for tolerating distress, thus enabling me to better weather whatever challenging emotions I encounter down the road.

The reason? As much as we might wish this weren’t the case, the truth is that discomfort is an inextricable part of the human journey and is bound to show up again and again, especially if we want to live lives that we experience as worthwhile.

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The truth is that discomfort is an inextricable part of the human journey and is bound to show up again and again, especially if we want to live lives that we experience as worthwhile.

Thus, rather than fight the inevitable or cede control to our ever-changing feelings, we can allow even the most intense, unwanted emotions to tag along for the ride while still choosing to show up as the people we aspire to be.

Increasing emotional agility in this way is what I aim to help others do—both in my clinical practice and in my new book, Emotion-Savvy Parenting: A Shame-Free Guide to Navigating Emotional Storms and Deepening Connection.

To be sure, distressing emotions are inescapable, whether or not we have children.

However, as most parents can agree, the never-ending waves of emotions—both ours and our kids’—that we face each and every day as parents make the uniquely marvelous and demanding job of parenting exceptionally difficult. Moreover, as is the case outside of parenting, the control strategies many of us intuitively and understandably reach for to cope with these feelings don’t always serve us (or our kids) all that well.

Fortunately, although it’s certainly easier said than done, breaking free of the grip that unwanted emotions often have over us is something we can all do, thanks to a number of empirically supported interventions that were designed for this very purpose.

Indeed, the research-backed tools for accepting, regulating, and tolerating emotions that I include in my book are ones that I use myself on a daily basis—both in and out of the office—and I feel honored to be able to help others learn them as well.

No, they aren’t magic, but they have, without a doubt, been life-changing for me and countless others.

Rather than fight the inevitable or cede control to our ever-changing feelings, we can allow even the most intense, unwanted emotions to tag along for the ride.

In a world where uncomfortable emotions are bound to surface more than we might hope, imagine how freeing it would be if these feelings could visit your home without ruining your day or dictating your every move.

While I can’t relive my Cornell days, I am incredibly grateful for the training and experiences I had in college and beyond.

Alissa Jerud (second from right) as a student, with female friends on campus — The author (second from right) with friends on the Hill.

They led me to where I am today—and I encourage you to consider how you might go about developing new, more adaptive ways of relating to emotional pain as well. I’m certain it will be worth your while.

A former psychology major in Arts & Sciences, Alissa Worly Jerud ’08 holds a doctorate from the University of Washington, Seattle. She is a mom of two kids, a licensed clinical psychologist, and a clinical assistant professor at Penn.

Published June 13, 2025

(All images provided.)