You’re Going Home for the Holidays. Now What?

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Hail, All Hail, Cornell!

Human development professor Karl Pillemer offers tips on having a harmonious visit—including avoiding conversational pitfalls

By Beth Saulnier

Cornellians has previously tapped Human Ecology’s Karl Pillemer to offer advice on some thorny topics: coping with family estrangement and talking to aging parents about making life changes.

Why can going home for the holidays be particularly fraught?

The biggest reason is expectations. We have expectations based on our hopes and dreams about our families—and on an incredible media push that these ought to be extraordinarily happy and harmonious events.

There are endless commercials, specials, Lifetime movies, etc. about the wonderful aspects of holidays, and it’s very difficult for any family to live up to that.

What else may be at play?

Another issue—especially with adult children returning home or family members who haven’t seen one another in a long time—is that people can be forced back into old family roles and stereotypes.

Someone is the “jovial cut-up”; someone else is the “responsible” one. Even if they’ve changed or feel very differently, they’re recast into those roles, and that can be difficult.

A third factor is that we see going home as a chance to “fix” relatives—to finally get them to do something that we want them to do, or to have heavy and important conversations.

We see going home as a chance to 'fix' relatives—to finally get them to do something that we want them to do, or to have heavy and important conversations.

For example, adult children think it’s time for Mom and Dad to move into assisted living, and they choose Thanksgiving or Christmas to talk about it. Or Mom and Dad feel that their offspring is making a horrible marriage choice, and they haven’t seen each other in person, so they discuss it at the holidays.

So you’re saying the holidays are not an ideal time for these fraught talks?

The advice of many of us who work in this area is avoid those kinds of heavy conversations at the holidays, because they’re too emotionally charged for one visit—and they’re unlikely to work.

If the answer is no, it’s much better for families to create a demilitarized zone around politics and avoid it.

What if you’re in a situation where a family member won’t stop haranguing you about the subject?

Walk away. Vote with your feet. If your relative is relentless, extract yourself from the conversation. If it’s not a reasoned discussion, there’s no gain to anyone.

Might this holiday season be particularly fraught in the wake of a bitterly contested presidential election?

Yes—but the positive news is that if the pre-existing relationship is generally good, people seem to accommodate differences in political views to a reasonable extent, though not always.

Estrangements or extreme conflicts that occur around an election can often be mended. Unlike other more deep-seated problems in families, these political disagreements can eventually be resolved and overcome.

If the pre-existing relationship is generally good, people seem to accommodate differences in political views to a reasonable extent, though not always.

Let’s talk about another hot-button issue: religion. Obviously, many holidays are based around it. How might we navigate those conflicts?

Disputes over religion can be harder, because in some ways it’s a zero-sum game—either you’re in or you aren’t—so differences can lead to serious conflicts.

Indeed, our research has found that these are some of the strongest predictors of family estrangement—and being home on a religious holiday can really call those issues out.

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So what can one do about them?

There isn’t an easy response. Many individuals do compromise; for example, someone from a Catholic family may be willing to attend Mass but not receive Communion.

In extreme cases, where it isn’t possible to avoid conflict over religious observance, people may want to consider going home at a different time. But if they can honor parental traditions without compromising their own values, it’s worth doing for family harmony—but that’s a very individual decision.

What about the conundrum of deciding what side of the family to spend a holiday with?

That can be particularly challenging, especially when people live far apart: you can’t spend Christmas morning with both spouses’ parents at the same time. So the question of where can be a real flash point. This is one of the first, big, zero-sum decisions that a lot of couples make, and they need to be prepared for it.

It’s resolvable only through honest discussion and negotiation, and an understanding of everyone’s needs; for example, you’re likely to make a concession to a recently widowed or divorced parent who may otherwise spend the holiday alone.

Later on, couples may want to have their own traditions and not spend holidays with family—and that requires another set of negotiations. But I would suggest that couples talk and think about this, and not assume it’s just going to work out.

What are your thoughts on when it’s OK to pass on staying in the family home—and getting a hotel room or Airbnb instead?

I don’t know why, when families return for the holidays, everyone feels like they have to stay in the same house. If you can afford it, the ability to go somewhere else—having that escape hatch—can really be worth it.

People should also feel comfortable making their stay a little shorter—to understand their limits, and when somebody is going to blow a fuse.

I don’t know why, when families return for the holidays, everyone feels like they have to stay in the same house.

What about handling conflict related to in-laws?

There’s a great argument for a division of labor: you handle issues with your own family, and when there are issues with your partner’s family, he or she handles them.

I would remind everyone that in-law relationships are fundamentally challenging. It’s not anyone’s fault; it’s really how those relationships are structured. When you bring somebody who’s not part of your family into your family, that’s just what happens.

But I would give parents one specific piece of advice to about their kids’ choice of partner: consider that this person is your child’s choice, and you gain nothing by refusing them entry. The holidays are an excellent time to be inclusive, because that can be money in the bank for solid future relationships.

In general, when conflicts come up during the holidays, what’s your advice on how to handle it?

Try to maintain emotional distance; if possible, your motto should be “under-react.” If you can, step back and pretend you’re a researcher observing your family—someone who has compassionate curiosity toward what’s going on, and tries to understand it.

I strongly suggest that in a family conflict, ask the question: who cares the most? To whom is this more important? How much do I really care about this?

I strongly suggest that in a family conflict, ask the question: who cares the most?

People get so caught up in the moment that they lose the long view. How much do I want to have ongoing family solidarity? Is it worth it to criticize my child’s partner, nag my parents to go into a nursing home, or criticize my son because he’s not working hard enough?

If you think about it, having pleasant and enjoyable memories of the holiday is worth a lot more.

Thinking about your books on advice from older Americans, are there particular words of wisdom that apply at this time of year?

When the family is getting together, take into account the big picture; look at the forest rather than the trees.

The greatest gift you can give your family is making the holiday go more smoothly. Keep as a mantra: this is your family, and compromise is worth it for a short time, because you love them.

The overarching goal is that people leave this experience feeling positive. Stop, step back, and think: how are we going to remember this a year from now?

(Top: Illustration by Caitlin Cook / Cornell University; all other images provided.)

Published November 11, 2024

Comments

1. 

   Julia Bentley Macdonald, Class of 1967

   4 Dec, 2024

   Excellent article! Professor Pillemer really addresses some family conundrums and how to handle them with grace.

   Reply
2. 

   Linda Kelsey, Class of 1960

   16 Dec, 2024

   Having spent a lifetime in family life education I thoroughly agree with this article. Since my husband spent his life as a pastor he would also agree. I believe Professor Pillemer was at Cornell in 1962 when I was a grad student there. I appreciate seeing some of his work.

   Reply

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