{"id":57674,"date":"2025-09-04T12:34:38","date_gmt":"2025-09-04T16:34:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/?p=57674"},"modified":"2026-03-04T10:29:08","modified_gmt":"2026-03-04T15:29:08","slug":"sah-defy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/sah-defy\/","title":{"rendered":"Why ‘Defy’ Shouldn’t Be a (Proverbial) Four-Letter Word"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

In her recent book, Johnson College professor Sunita Sah explores ‘the power of no in a world that demands yes’<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Beth Saulnier<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For Sunita Sah<\/a>, the epitome of defiance came not on a grand stage, but in a small moment in her West Yorkshire hometown when she was six or seven. The child of immigrants from India, she was walking home with her mother through an alley\u2014what folks in the north of England call a \u201csnicket\u201d\u2014when their way was blocked by boys shouting racial epithets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\u201cI wanted to maneuver through them as fast as possible,\u201d recalls Sah, a professor of management and organizations<\/a> in the Johnson College of Business. \u201cBut my mother stopped, looked them directly in the eyes, and said: \u2018What do you mean?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sah tried to urge her mother along, but she refused. And then her mom\u2014who, Sah says, had always seemed such a compliant, obedient figure\u2014parked her shopping cart, put a hand on her hip, and faced the bullies down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe said, \u2018You think you\u2019re so clever\u2014big, strong boys, right?\u2019 The boys looked at each other, until at last one of them said, \u2018Let\u2019s go,\u2019 and they dispersed.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>

\"Prof.
provided<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sah was shocked by the episode\u2014not by the racial taunts, which the family had suffered before, but by her mother\u2019s actions in standing up to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI thought that for defiance, you had to be a certain type of person,\u201d observes Sah, a former physician who also holds a doctorate in organizational behavior. \u201cBut I realized it\u2019s a skill set you can choose to use; you can be compliant one day and defiant the next. You don\u2019t have to think of yourself as being loud, aggressive, violent, or angry. Defiance isn\u2019t just for the brave and the extraordinary. It\u2019s a skill we all need.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Decades later Sah has\u2014quite literally\u2014written the book on the subject. In early 2025, Penguin Random House published Defy<\/em><\/a>: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Defiance isn\u2019t just for the brave and the extraordinary. It\u2019s a skill we all need.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Based on extensive research by Sah and others, it explores the science behind the choices we make\u2014and argues that there are rational reasons for, and benefits to, refusal in the face of social pressure to comply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She cites myriad examples, including well-known cases\u2014from the engineers who tried in vain to abort the space shuttle Challenger<\/em>\u2019s fatal launch to the Minneapolis police officers who failed to intervene when their colleague murdered George Floyd.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as Sah notes, the inability to say no can also come into play in much more mundane situations: who, after all, has never told a stylist that they love their new haircut\u2014when they actually can\u2019t wait for it to grow out?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s the accepted definition of \u201cdefy\u201d\u2014and what do you think it should be?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Oxford English Dictionary<\/em> defines it as \u201cto challenge the power of someone else, openly and boldly.\u201d And as I say in the book, I\u2019m not usually one to disagree with the OED<\/em>\u2014I grew up in the UK\u2014but I think that definition is way too narrow, and it doesn\u2019t honor our agency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My new definition is: \u201cTo defy is to act in accordance with your true values\u2014especially when there is pressure to do otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the book, you talk about \u201ccompliance\u201d versus \u201cconsent.\u201d How do they differ?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Compliance is externally imposed. It comes from an order, suggestion, or expectation, even nonverbal. Consent is often conflated with compliance, but it\u2019s radically, fundamentally different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The<\/figure>
\n

To have informed consent\u2014which is the standard in medicine\u2014you need five elements. You need the mental capacity to make the decision. You need knowledge: information on the situation. You need understanding\u2014a thorough grasp of the risks, benefits, and alternatives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fourth element is the freedom to say no, because if you don\u2019t have it, it\u2019s merely compliance. The fifth is authorization, which is your deeply considered expression of your true values.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want to say yes, that\u2019s your \u201ctrue yes,\u201d or consent. If you want to say no, that\u2019s your \u201ctrue no,\u201d or defiance. So consent and defiance are two sides of the same coin.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You also describe a discomfort that starts the defiance process. What is that?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is what I call stage one of defiance, out of five that I\u2019ve identified. It\u2019s actually a very important stage, because it\u2019s the tension we feel between two opposing forces: doing what we believe is the right thing, and the strong expectation from others to act differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That tension manifests in different ways for different people: it might be a constricted throat, a dry mouth, a racing heart rate, an unease in the stomach. We should get to know our own warning signs, because that tension is critical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why would feeling uneasy be key to defiance?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we had already handed all our agency, responsibility, and power to someone else, we wouldn\u2019t feel any tension. We\u2019d just go along with what they wanted, without discomfort. The fact that we feel tension is actually a strength, not a weakness\u2014and we should use it as a signal that this might be a time to defy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

My new definition is: ‘To defy is to act in accordance with your true values\u2014especially when there is pressure to do otherwise.’<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

If tension is the first stage of defiance, what are the other four?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second stage is to acknowledge the tension. Often, when we feel anxiety or doubt, we try to sweep it away and say the other person knows better, so it\u2019s probably okay. But we should ask ourselves: \u201cWhat does it mean? Is this a situation in which I\u2019m not using my true yes or my true no?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stage three is critical, because the research shows that if you can get to it, you\u2019re more likely to get to the last stage. It\u2019s simply vocalizing your discomfort. It could be simple, such as, \u201cI\u2019m not comfortable with that\u201d or \u201cCan you clarify this?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this stage, you can still be in a subservient position; you\u2019re not threatening noncompliance. But just asking for clarification raises the volume; now, you can\u2019t go back and say you were fine with it, because you voiced your discomfort out loud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Sunita
kelly williams<\/figcaption>
Sah presenting at a conference at the Harvard Club in NYC.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Stage four is the threat of noncompliance: \u201cI can\u2019t go along with this.\u201d Sticking with that gets you to stage five, the act of defiance. And what\u2019s fascinating is that taking action melts away that initial tension from stage one. You feel liberated, more honest and authentic, because you\u2019re acting in alignment with your values.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You talk about how saying \u201cno\u201d is hard, even when the stakes are unequal\u2014like when, as a young doctor, you agonized over declining the services of a financial advisor you\u2019d only just met. Why is that?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve been socialized to comply, and there\u2019s a reason for that; it\u2019s often a good thing to think about other people\u2019s feelings. The trouble arises when we forget the bigger picture\u2014the harm to ourselves or others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If a nurse is concerned about offending a physician, what happens to the patient? If a copilot is worried about offending their superior, what about their own life and that of everybody else on the plane?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my research, I\u2019ve discovered that the fear of offending another person is due to a reluctance to insinuate that they could be wrong, biased, or corrupt. I call this feeling \u201cinsinuation anxiety.\u201d It\u2019s a powerful force that keeps us silent and compliant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

It\u2019s often a good thing to think about other people\u2019s feelings. The trouble arises when we forget the bigger picture\u2014the harm to ourselves or others.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the case of that financial advisor, your beeper went off and you were spared making a decision in the moment. How can time work to one\u2019s advantage in these situations?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I call this the \u201cpower of the pause.\u201d It\u2019s really important to take a breath and think: What are my values? What\u2019s important to me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe a bad haircut isn\u2019t that bad; your hair will grow back. But if you\u2019re compromising your integrity, it can have a detrimental effect\u2014psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. So take a pause and think: What does a person like me, with these values, do in a situation like this?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You also acknowledge that there are times when defiance isn\u2019t possible, often for reasons of self-protection. Could you elaborate on that?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes, the cost of defiance is too high or risky, and we might decide to defer defiance to another day. We can use what I call \u201cconscious compliance\u201d: we have all the elements for a true yes or true no, but we\u2019re aware that the cost of defiance is too great, or the benefits too meager.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Take a pause and think: What does a person like me, with these values, do in a situation like this?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a deeply personal decision as to when we choose to defy; some people defy even when the costs are high. Rosa Parks\u2019s famous \u201cno\u201d on the bus was not exactly safe and had a high personal cost, which I describe in my book. Yet, it also had impact and led to a huge movement in civil rights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her \u201cno,\u201d however, was preceded by hundreds of moments of compliance. Many defiant moments are preceded by compliance, and we can learn from that. We can think about, \u201cWhat do I regret? What do I wish I\u2019d said? And practice for defiance the next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Top: Illustration by Ashley Osburn \/ Cornell University.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Published September 4, 2025<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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