{"id":455,"date":"2021-08-24T18:07:03","date_gmt":"2021-08-24T18:07:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/?p=455"},"modified":"2024-11-11T16:18:45","modified_gmt":"2024-11-11T21:18:45","slug":"family-estrangement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/family-estrangement\/","title":{"rendered":"The Pain of Family Estrangement"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Gerontologist Karl Pillemer discusses how to cope with a rupture from a close relative<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Beth Saulnier<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a travail that\u2019s surprisingly common, but which many sufferers are too ashamed to disclose: estrangement from a close relative. These often heartbreaking ruptures have seldom been the focus of academic research\u2014a lack that prompted human development professor Karl Pillemer to conduct the first national survey about it a few years ago. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

He was, he says, \u201cabsolutely stunned\u201d to find that 27% of the 1,300 U.S. adults it queried were currently suffering an estrangement. \u201cThat translates to 68 million people,\u201d says Pillemer, also a professor of gerontology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine. \u201cNumbers don\u2019t always speak for themselves, but in this case they kind of do; it\u2019s much more prevalent than most people imagine.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillemer went on to launch the Cornell Family Reconciliation Project<\/a>, which interviewed 300 people who\u2019ve endured estrangements, including 100 who were able to re-establish relations. <\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>

\"Prof.<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He also published a book on the subject,<\/em> Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First off, could you define \u201cestrangement\u201d?<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For our study, it means no contact\u2014or as little as you can have in this hyper-connected society. There\u2019s something qualitatively different between a bad, distant, or conflictual relationship and one where a person is cut off entirely\u2014where somebody, despite family ties, obligations, and social norms, says, \u201cI\u2019m never going to see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are some of the most common reasons for it?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often it has to do with divergent values and poor communication. We also found that violated expectations are key: one archetypal example is, \u201cMom gets sick, daughter is looking after her, and brother and sister won\u2019t help.\u201d And we found some common situations that moved a negative relationship into estrangement. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One is inheritance and money. A second is what I call the problematic in-law: a spouse\u2014either in the child generation among siblings, or parents who remarry\u2014is incompatible with the rest of the family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A third I call the \u201clong arm of the past\u201d\u2014a history of harsh parenting, parental favoritism, vicious sibling rivalry. In many estrangements, too, we found that a single, transformational event, conversation, or moment precipitates the final break.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You coined the term \u201cdefensive ignorance\u201d regarding the reasons for estrangement. What\u2019s that?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over and over in my interviews I heard estranged people say, \u201cI have no idea why this occurred\u201d\u2014and then they\u2019d list a lifelong history of conflict, unmet expectations, and criticism of the other person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

People are so disturbed by the estrangement that they become extraordinarily defensive, and it becomes an almost insurmountable barrier to reconciliation. The people who reconciled worked their way through that and were able to understand the role they played in the estrangement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Over and over I heard estranged people say, ‘I have no idea why this occurred’\u2014and then they\u2019d list a lifelong history of conflict, unmet expectations, and criticism.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve observed that it\u2019s easier for a child to cut off their parent than the other way around. How so?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parents have invested time, resources, and emotion in producing these kids and have a great stake in receiving emotional and physical support back from them; in contrast, adult children are moving on with their lives and have many other relationships. Not that the children don\u2019t care about the relationship, but there\u2019s a strong bias that parents care more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I found that many parents don\u2019t think about that. They believe that by having provided a decent childhood, their kids will stay with them no matter how they behave. But if they\u2019re going to draw a line in the sand\u2014insist that their expectations be fulfilled, or demand a certain kind of relationship with their child\u2014they need to know that they could really lose out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do estrangements affect other family members?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the strongest recommendations I\u2019d give to someone who\u2019s having a fight with their brother or sister and decides that it\u2019s over is this: think about the effects on ensuing generations. If it\u2019s over between you, it may very well be over between your children and their cousins. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my own family, there was a rift in the grandparental generation that cut us off from an entire side of the family. I don\u2019t usually prescribe advice, but before people begin a family rift, they should think about the collateral damage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One source for your research was Facebook groups, both for parents estranged from their kids and vice versa. What role do they play?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The<\/figure>
\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These groups provide some support but often can inhibit reconciliation. The adult children reinforce each other\u2019s views that their parents are narcissists; for the parents\u2019 groups, it\u2019s that the children are spoiled, ungrateful, or uncaring. There\u2019s a whole lot of name-calling on both sides. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are some of the common denominators among people who successfully reconcile?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Typically, they abandoned the idea that they needed an apology and that they and their estrangement partner had to agree on everything that happened in the past. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And they often re-entered the relationship with clear terms or limits. <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

For example: \u201cMom and Dad, you can come back into my life if you don\u2019t criticize my spouse and my childrearing, and when you visit you don\u2019t stay at our house.\u201d And finally, most of them revamped their expectations and accepted the other person for who he or she is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why do people so often let estrangements linger?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because the estrangement freezes the relationship; people don\u2019t see how others are changing and improving. So when they get back together they say, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I do this a long time ago?\u201d Reconciliation clearly isn\u2019t for everybody, but I found that no one regretted it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Along those lines, another reason for reconciling was anticipated<\/em> regret\u2014people worry that it will be too late, that their relative is going to die before they have a chance to reconcile. Even though we don\u2019t have hard data, I think we\u2019re seeing this pattern even more during the pandemic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

In a world where people record most of their lives on social media, this is one problem that nobody really wants to talk about.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve tackled some tough subjects, including elder abuse; how does this compare in terms of being challenging to study?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a world where people record most of their lives on social media, this is one problem that nobody really wants to talk about. People in estrangements feel isolated, ashamed, guilty, and stigmatized. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the truth is, if we hear a parent say, \u201cI no longer have contact with my child,\u201d often in the back of our minds we wonder what\u2019s wrong with them. I\u2019m immensely impressed and grateful that hundreds of people were willing to open up about this topic in my studies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What has studying this taught you about families that aren\u2019t<\/em> estranged?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We live in a world where supposedly the family is breaking down, where we have a postmodern array of relationships and families aren\u2019t important anymore. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I learned from studying the estranged and the reconciled is how important the family still is\u2014that in a world where things are so fluid, the relationships with our families of origin are the most stable and important that most of us will ever have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Top: Illustration by Cornell University.; all other images provided.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Published October 5, 2021<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Gerontologist Karl Pillemer on how to cope with an all-too-common problem: a rupture from a close relative<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":68,"featured_media":1338,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"alumni_hub_syml_posts":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[225],"tags":[],"cornell_year_post":[],"post_folder":[],"class_list":["post-455","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ask-the-expert"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Pain of Family Estrangement - Cornellians | Cornell University<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Cornell professor Karl Pillemer discusses family estrangement and how to cope with it.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/family-estrangement\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Pain of Family Estrangement - 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