{"id":43732,"date":"2024-11-11T16:49:01","date_gmt":"2024-11-11T21:49:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/?p=43732"},"modified":"2024-11-11T16:49:02","modified_gmt":"2024-11-11T21:49:02","slug":"pillemer-holiday-visits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/pillemer-holiday-visits\/","title":{"rendered":"You\u2019re Going Home for the Holidays. Now What?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Human development professor Karl Pillemer offers tips on having a harmonious visit\u2014including avoiding conversational pitfalls<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Beth Saulnier<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cornellians has previously tapped Human Ecology\u2019s <\/em>Karl Pillemer<\/em><\/a> to offer advice on some thorny topics: coping with <\/em>family estrangement<\/em><\/a> and talking to <\/em>aging parents<\/em><\/a> about making life changes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

With the holidays coming up fast, we asked Pillemer for tips on how to navigate trips back to visit family\u2014and all the drama (as well as joy) it can entail.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also the Hazel E. Reed Professor in the Department of Psychology, Pillemer holds an appointment in gerontology at Weill Cornell Medicine. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

His books<\/em><\/a> include<\/em> Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, as well as<\/em> 30 Lessons for Living and<\/em> 30 Lessons for Loving, which glean wisdom from the experiences of older Americans.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>

\"Prof.<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why can going home for the holidays be particularly fraught?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The biggest reason is expectations. We have expectations based on our hopes and dreams about our families\u2014and on an incredible media push that these ought to be extraordinarily happy and harmonious events.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are endless commercials, specials, Lifetime movies, etc. about the wonderful aspects of holidays, and it\u2019s very difficult for any family to live up to that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What else may be at play?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another issue\u2014especially with adult children returning home or family members who haven\u2019t seen one another in a long time\u2014is that people can be forced back into old family roles and stereotypes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone is the \u201cjovial cut-up\u201d; someone else is the \u201cresponsible\u201d one. Even if they\u2019ve changed or feel very differently, they\u2019re recast into those roles, and that can be difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A third factor is that we see going home as a chance to \u201cfix\u201d relatives\u2014to finally get them to do something that we want them to do, or to have heavy and important conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

We see going home as a chance to ‘fix’ relatives\u2014to finally get them to do something that we want them to do, or to have heavy and important conversations.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

For example, adult children think it\u2019s time for Mom and Dad to move into assisted living, and they choose Thanksgiving or Christmas to talk about it. Or Mom and Dad feel that their offspring is making a horrible marriage choice, and they haven\u2019t seen each other in person, so they discuss it at the holidays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So you\u2019re saying the holidays are not<\/em> an ideal time for these fraught talks?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The advice of many of us who work in this area is avoid those kinds of heavy conversations at the holidays, because they\u2019re too emotionally charged for one visit\u2014and they\u2019re unlikely to work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The<\/figure>
\n

What about the potential peril of hot-button topics like politics?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of our friends are very similar to us; if I support a candidate, all or almost all of my friends do too. Going home may be the one time I can talk to the \u201cother side\u201d\u2014to try to convince at least one person that their decisions are wrongheaded. And that is extremely unrealistic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been able to come up with one rule for how families should handle political discussions\u2014and it\u2019s simple, but can be difficult to do. Ask yourself: is there any realistic possibility that we will have a reasonable discussion from opposing points of view, and then one of us may actually change our mind?<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If the answer is no, it\u2019s much better for families to create a demilitarized zone around politics and avoid it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if you\u2019re in a situation where a family member won\u2019t stop haranguing you about the subject?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Walk away. Vote with your feet. If your relative is relentless, extract yourself from the conversation. If it\u2019s not a reasoned discussion, there\u2019s no gain to anyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Might this holiday season be particularly fraught in the wake of a bitterly contested presidential election?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes\u2014but the positive news is that if the pre-existing relationship is generally good, people seem to accommodate differences in political views to a reasonable extent, though not always.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Estrangements or extreme conflicts that occur around an election can often be mended. Unlike other more deep-seated problems in families, these political disagreements can eventually be resolved and overcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

If the pre-existing relationship is generally good, people seem to accommodate differences in political views to a reasonable extent, though not always.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s talk about another hot-button issue: religion. Obviously, many holidays are based around it. How might we navigate those conflicts?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Disputes over religion can be harder, because in some ways it\u2019s a zero-sum game\u2014either you\u2019re in or you aren\u2019t\u2014so differences can lead to serious conflicts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Indeed, our research has found that these are some of the strongest predictors of family estrangement\u2014and being home on a religious holiday can really call those issues out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what can one do about them?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There isn\u2019t an easy response. Many individuals do compromise; for example, someone from a Catholic family may be willing to attend Mass but not receive Communion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In extreme cases, where it isn\u2019t possible to avoid conflict over religious observance, people may want to consider going home at a different time. But if they can honor parental traditions without compromising their own values, it\u2019s worth doing for family harmony\u2014but that\u2019s a very individual decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If romcoms have taught us anything, it\u2019s that the holidays are when you bring a new partner home to meet the family. What are some tips for making that process go smoothly?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My overall recommendation is that holiday visits are not<\/em> the greatest time for the \u201cfirst\u201d anything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would advise people to ease the person into the family in a different, slower way, and don\u2019t make that first encounter on Thanksgiving or Christmas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s too much going on, too much pressure, and too much opportunity for a bad or wrong first impression.<\/p>\n<\/div>

\"The<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

What about the conundrum of deciding what side of the family to spend a holiday with?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That can be particularly challenging, especially when people live far apart: you can\u2019t spend Christmas morning with both spouses\u2019 parents at the same time. So the question of where can be a real flash point. This is one of the first, big, zero-sum decisions that a lot of couples make, and they need to be prepared for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s resolvable only through honest discussion and negotiation, and an understanding of everyone\u2019s needs; for example, you\u2019re likely to make a concession to a recently widowed or divorced parent who may otherwise spend the holiday alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later on, couples may want to have their own traditions and not spend holidays with family\u2014and that requires another set of negotiations. But I would suggest that couples talk and think about this, and not assume it\u2019s just going to work out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are your thoughts on when it\u2019s OK to pass on staying in the family home\u2014and getting a hotel room or Airbnb instead?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know why, when families return for the holidays, everyone feels like they have to stay in the same house. If you can afford it, the ability to go somewhere else\u2014having that escape hatch\u2014can really be worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People should also feel comfortable making their stay a little shorter\u2014to understand their limits, and when somebody is going to blow a fuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

I don\u2019t know why, when families return for the holidays, everyone feels like they have to stay in the same house.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

What about handling conflict related to in-laws?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a great argument for a division of labor: you handle issues with your own family, and when there are issues with your partner\u2019s family, he or she handles them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would remind everyone that in-law relationships are fundamentally challenging. It\u2019s not anyone\u2019s fault; it\u2019s really how those relationships are structured. When you bring somebody who\u2019s not part of your family into your family, that\u2019s just what happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I would give parents one specific piece of advice to about their kids\u2019 choice of partner: consider that this person is your child\u2019s choice, and you gain nothing by refusing them entry. The holidays are an excellent time to be inclusive, because that can be money in the bank for solid future relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In general, when conflicts come up during the holidays, what\u2019s your advice on how to handle it?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try to maintain emotional distance; if possible, your motto should be \u201cunder-react.\u201d If you can, step back and pretend you\u2019re a researcher observing your family\u2014someone who has compassionate curiosity toward what\u2019s going on, and tries to understand it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I strongly suggest that in a family conflict, ask the question: who cares the most? To whom is this more important? How much do I really care about this?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

I strongly suggest that in a family conflict, ask the question: who cares the most?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

People get so caught up in the moment that they lose the long view. How much do I want to have ongoing family solidarity? Is it worth it to criticize my child\u2019s partner, nag my parents to go into a nursing home, or criticize my son because he\u2019s not working hard enough?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think about it, having pleasant and enjoyable memories of the holiday is worth a lot more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thinking about your books on advice from older Americans, are there particular words of wisdom that apply at this time of year?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the family is getting together, take into account the big picture; look at the forest rather than the trees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The greatest gift you can give your family is making the holiday go more smoothly. Keep as a mantra: this is your family, and compromise is worth it for a short time, because you love them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The overarching goal is that people leave this experience feeling positive. Stop, step back, and think: how are we going to remember this a year from now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Top: Illustration by Caitlin Cook \/ Cornell University; all other images provided.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Published November 11, 2024<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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