{"id":32124,"date":"2024-02-15T13:57:39","date_gmt":"2024-02-15T18:57:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/?p=32124"},"modified":"2024-02-19T09:30:08","modified_gmt":"2024-02-19T14:30:08","slug":"mindful-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/mindful-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"In this Love-Oriented Month, Tips on \u2018Mindful Communication\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A couples’ therapist and CALS alum offers advice on how to bring your relationship to the next level\u2014or revive one that\u2019s flagging<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOne of the most common relationship problems is a lack of communication,\u201d says psychotherapist <\/em>Alison Bulman \u201997<\/em><\/a>. \u201cCouples tend to trigger each other, or put the other person on the defensive, without even realizing that they\u2019re doing it. And over time, it starts to chip away at the relationship.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With love on our minds in the Valentine\u2019s Day month of February, we asked the CALS alum for some expert advice on why communication matters\u2014and how to improve it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Based in the New York metro area, Bulman holds a master\u2019s in social work from NYU and practices online therapy.<\/em> She also hosts couples\u2019 workshops and offers an online course designed to promote intimacy, among other work.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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What constitutes \u201cmindful communication\u201d?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, it\u2019s slower, because typically people talk way too fast, especially when they\u2019re in conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The key is getting to a place of compassion toward your partner. And you do that by getting curious about what it\u2019s like to be them, putting yourself in their shoes\u2014in other words, empathy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

People have varying degrees of experience and skill around empathy, but it can absolutely be learned.<\/p>\n<\/div>

\"Alison<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Mindfulness in general is about staying in the moment; how do you apply that to relationships?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea is to approach each other with acceptance and talk about what it\u2019s like between us right now<\/em>. In our society, we talk way too much about things\u2014work, the weather, surface stuff. We talk very little about our feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we talk about what\u2019s happening between us right now, we\u2019re going to feel much closer to the other person, much more intimate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ve said, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to talk about your problems to solve them.\u201d How is that possible?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something counterintuitive happens when you stay in the present: by talking about the relationship you\u2019re having in the moment, in this conversation, problems start to get worked out. Issues and tendencies rise to the surface organically. The most fruitful part of being mindful is a big reveal about what\u2019s really going on between two people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The most fruitful part of being mindful is a big reveal about what\u2019s really going on between two people.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

So how do you start communicating mindfully?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing I teach is the \u201cmagic\u201d questions: three questions that can help you rediscover your partner, no matter how long you\u2019ve been together or how off track things have gotten.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are \u201cWhat\u2019s that like?,\u201d \u201cCan you tell me more?,\u201d and \u201cHow does that feel?\u201d Bonus ones are \u201cWhat\u2019s it like hearing me share that?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s it like sharing that with me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just take \u201cWhat\u2019s that like?\u201d; it\u2019s a single question that can open doors and create more interest in each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why are these questions so effective?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re not yes or no; they\u2019re open ended. They show much more curiosity than we typically show, and they can make people open up in a more vulnerable way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every couple I\u2019ve worked with, when they ask these questions they eventually get to the point where they\u2019re discovering new things about their partner. It can rekindle a love that has fallen flat, or is even dying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It sounds like these techniques could also show that, actually, you need to break up. Is that right?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is not a process just to get happy, it\u2019s a process to get real<\/em>\u2014to share all feelings, whether it\u2019s loneliness, disappointment, sadness, or joy. And sometimes the reality is, you want to break up. When you\u2019re being rigorously honest, it can get messy, hard, and sad. But the truth, as they say, will set you free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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This is not a process just to get happy, it\u2019s a process to get real<\/em>\u2014to share all feelings, whether it\u2019s loneliness, disappointment, sadness, or joy.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve talked about some \u201cdos\u201d for mindful communication; what are some \u201cdon\u2019ts\u201d?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A lot of times, people talk too much about the past; they go down a rabbit hole about wrongs done to each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They say things like, \u201cYou always do this; every time we have to go somewhere, you\u2019re running late.\u201d First of all, it\u2019s probably not true, because we don\u2019t do things every single time. And it can make our partner feel overwhelmed. Instead say, \u201cWhen you do this, I feel \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What else should we avoid?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Never label your partner with a negative. \u201cThat\u2019s childish.” “Don\u2019t be so immature.” “Why are you so sensitive?\u201d Never name call: \u201cYou\u2019re a jerk.\u201d These are judgments\u2014things that make our partner not feel safe being real and honest with us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The most toxic things are blaming and shaming\u2014pointing the finger or digging in the dagger because you want your partner to feel bad. It\u2019s a dynamic that, over time, can make your partner shut down and withdraw.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You need to be gentle instead of harsh, and avoid putting them on the defensive\u2014not judging or criticizing, and being open to hearing your partner\u2019s experience without trying to persuade them to feel differently. If you commit to no negativity in your relationship\u2014for an hour, for a day\u2014it\u2019s amazing what you can find out hurts your partner, and stop doing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The most toxic things are blaming and shaming\u2014pointing the finger or digging in the dagger because you want your partner to feel bad.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

That sounds like it could be a tall order for some couples. What tips can you give?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the primary things is called \u201cHALT.\u201d It\u2019s a recovery concept in substance use that stands for \u201chungry, angry, lonely, tired.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you or your partner are any of those things, it\u2019s more likely you\u2019ll go from zero to 100, where you start talking faster and louder and confronting each other. So I recommend that people not have emotionally loaded conversations after 8 p.m., because we tend to be crankier and much more sensitive and reactive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What about the adage, \u201cnever go to bed angry\u201d?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tend to disagree with that. If you\u2019re able to say, \u201cThis is a loaded topic; let\u2019s sleep on it and we\u2019ll talk about it tomorrow,\u201d the quality of communication is much better. And half the time you wake up the next day and wonder what you were even arguing about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you think that the pace of modern life\u2014especially social media\u2014has made mindful communication harder?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes. The cell phone is an ingenious tool for accessing dopamine. The news feeds, the ads\u2014they literally lead to a release of pleasure chemicals in our system. My concern is people are turning more and more to that dopamine release than they are to the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many couples that I work with struggle with being on their devices and not connecting. And what I suggest is, when you\u2019re together, default to not<\/em> using your phone. Anytime you\u2019re in each other\u2019s presence, put the device down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What else would you like to add?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, because of the stigma and fear about going to therapy, couples wait far too long to seek help. Statistically, the average couple waits about six years of having problems before they actually get counseling. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to encourage people to get help sooner than later\u2014because a little bit of support in marriage counseling can go a long way toward turning things around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Top: Illustration by Seung Yeon Kim \/ Cornell University. Photo provided.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Published February 15, 2024<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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