{"id":12642,"date":"2022-10-19T05:02:00","date_gmt":"2022-10-19T09:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/?p=12642"},"modified":"2023-09-21T10:02:29","modified_gmt":"2023-09-21T14:02:29","slug":"aging-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alumni.cornell.edu\/cornellians\/aging-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Hello, Mom and Dad: Is it Time to Sell the House?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Gerontologist Karl Pillemer offers advice on how to talk to your aging parents about key life changes\u2014and plan for your own<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Beth Saulnier<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Human Ecology\u2019s <\/em>Karl Pillemer<\/em><\/a> has devoted his career to studying older adults\u2014particularly ways to make one\u2019s later years happier, healthier, and more satisfying. His work includes directing the <\/em>Cornell Legacy Project<\/em><\/a>, whose research formed the basis of his book<\/em> 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans<\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Hazel E. Reed Professor in the Department of Psychology, Pillemer holds an appointment in gerontology at Weill Cornell Medicine and serves as Human Ecology\u2019s senior associate dean for research and outreach.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

His most recent book, on family estrangement\u2014<\/em>Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them<\/a>\u2014was released in 2020 and comes out in paperback this fall. He\u2019s also the author of <\/em>30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>

\"Prof.<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Cornellians asked Pillemer to weigh in on an issue that many Gen Xers are facing now: how to help their parents cope with the challenges of aging\u2014from where to live to whether it\u2019s time to stop driving.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to getting older, a key issue is often deciding when\u2014or whether\u2014to move out of the family home. What\u2019s your take on that?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most Americans say they want to age in place in their own homes\u2014and many of them are wrong. It can be much better for people to age in community, rather than being on their own and isolated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the positive side, older people are increasingly planning for themselves. There are now many options, such as senior living and assisted living communities. They can solve a host of problems\u2014and even people who\u2019ve been reluctant to move usually wind up feeling positive about it. That\u2019s why there has been an enormous boom in \u201cover-55\u201d communities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So is the stereotype of adult children trying to cajole their parents into moving not necessarily accurate these days?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fascinatingly, we have sometimes found the reverse: parents plan to move, and their children vehemently oppose it: \u201cHow can you sell our house? You\u2019re not that old!\u201d I\u2019ve heard of many older people having their children resist these kinds of anticipatory moves, because it reminds them of their own aging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The holidays are coming up, and many people will be traveling to visit parents. Is it a good time to discuss this kind of thing?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

These conversations do tend to happen around the holidays, but that can cause a lot of conflict. My advice is: don\u2019t come home for Thanksgiving and say, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you move out of this big old house?\u201d It\u2019s not the time to sweep in like a visiting deity. Your parents will very logically say, \u201cYou\u2019re not here; you don\u2019t observe my day-to-day life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If adult children are having a hard time convincing parents to make needed changes in their living arrangements, what can they do?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One thing that can be very useful is the introduction of an objective third party\u2014especially somebody trained to understand the social and health needs of older people. There\u2019s a wonderful profession now called \u201cgeriatric care managers.\u201d They can take the emotional edge off, and make this a rational decision. They may find that home modifications can keep the person at home longer, or that the person can move out of the family house into a one-level home and receive supportive services.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s the ideal time to talk about these issues?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would really encourage people to have these conversations early, before the need arises and it\u2019s a crisis. It doesn\u2019t have to be, \u201cMom and Dad, what do you want when you become old and sick?\u201d It can be, \u201cI see what\u2019s happening to Uncle Ed; what would you want under those circumstances?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some older people, the trigger can be when they realize that unless they get help at home, they will be forced to move. And parents may have unrealistic expectations; they may expect a child whom they have helped a lot, or who lives nearby, to care for them. So I would really argue for open discussion, years before care is needed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I would really encourage people to have these conversations early, before the need arises and it\u2019s a crisis.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

What about when someone needs help, but they don\u2019t want a stranger coming into their home?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need to keep in mind that older people aren\u2019t just a bloc. For those in their 80s and beyond, there\u2019s definitely a culture of \u201cI don\u2019t want an outsider in the house\u201d or \u201cIf it\u2019s going to be anybody, I want it to be a relative.\u201d But many Baby Boomers are used to hiring all kinds of help throughout their lives, so they are typically less resistant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s good if they can have discretion over who is hired and what that person is going to do. Some people have found that giving, say, housecleaning as a gift can work\u2014a foot-in-the-door technique. Or, \u201cCan we at least get someone to help with the yard?\u201d And if that works out, the person becomes more receptive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re not making headway on getting a parent to make changes, is there a point when you just have to drop it?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Older people are independent adults, and engaging in endless fighting about this doesn\u2019t make sense. Let\u2019s imagine you have a parent or parents living in a place that\u2019s objectively unsuitable; they have mobility problems, there are steep stairs, and it\u2019s hazardous. You can provide them all the options and make sure they understand the risks, but sometimes you have to stop fighting the battle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When they are simply unwilling to change, I encourage people to just enjoy the relationship. You\u2019ve got to honor individual choices, though it is extraordinarily difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
Pillemer\u2019s book, which includes numerous insights on how to age successfully, features a preface by now-retired New York Times<\/em> health columnist Jane Brody \u201962.<\/figcaption><\/figure>
\n

On a broader level, how are demographic shifts impacting these issues?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In earlier generations, people typically had three, four, or more children and entered old age in an intact marriage, unless they were widowed. The leading edge of the Boomers are now 75. They\u2019re entering old age much more likely to have one or zero children, and to be single. That places far more demands on the kids to have these challenging conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another key part of the dynamic is this: never have human beings shared so much time together as adults. At the turn of the 19th century, a 60-year-old woman had about a 4% chance of having a living parent. Now, well over half do\u2014and those parents are likely in their 80s or 90s.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If adult children are far away from their parents, how can technology help?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a huge boon. You can order things online and pay bills. I\u2019ve known individuals who put cameras in the house, with their parents\u2019 consent; it can really ease people\u2019s minds. I would encourage anybody who\u2019s prone to falling to have an emergency device to call for help. We are moving toward the \u201csmart medical home,\u201d with sensors to track vital signs and other things. And for older people, the self-driving car would be transformational.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That raises another issue: driving. What if you\u2019re concerned about an older relative\u2019s ability behind the wheel?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s really hard when people don\u2019t want to give up the keys; nobody has a good solution. In some states, there are neuro-psychological exams or more discriminating vision tests that are used to evaluate the ability to drive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Otherwise, persuasion is about all anybody can do; it may help to bring in a trusted third party, like a clergyperson. And you have to ask the question: if the person stops driving, how can they still be mobile? Can you contribute to taxis or Ubers? Is there someone in the neighborhood who could be paid to drive? Sometimes families simply say \u201cstop driving\u201d and don\u2019t consider the impact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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At the turn of the 19th century, a 60-year-old woman had about a 4% chance of having a living parent. Now, well over half do.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

What advice do you have for young and middle-aged adults who are looking ahead to their own later years?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Plan, plan, plan\u2014not just financially, but for the different stages of later life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In gerontology, we talk about the \u201cgo-go\u201d years, roughly 65 to 75; the \u201cslow-go\u201d years, from 75 to 85; and the \u201cno-go\u201d years, 85 and older. That\u2019s an exaggeration, and people vary\u2014but you need to think about your whole post-65 lifespan. What are you going to do when you\u2019re more active, and when you need help?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staying socially connected is also important. Isolation can be deadly; a lack of meaningful ties is a real health hazard. It\u2019s not that everybody needs to be a back-slapping extrovert\u2014but in our research, older people have repeatedly told us, \u201cYou have to find ways to be connected.\u201d Over and over, we see people get engaged in the community after retirement and find a new lease on life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Top: Illustration by Cornell University. All other images provided.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Published October 19, 2022<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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